7 REASONS WHY
DONALD TRUMP
WILL NEVER BE
A GOOD MAGICIAN

People have said some pretty mean things about Donald Trump.  He's been described as "a privileged gasbag," "having a thrifty complexity," and being "one-dimensional" (except for his inter-dimensional hair). 

On the other hand, he has a tremendous necktie.

I like him as much as the next guy, and would argue that he has more than just a tremendous necktie.  He has the gift of gab, he's a born showman, and he's impervious to ridicule. 

So why would I write a damaging post about his not being fit to be a magician?  

Instead of following the advice of my PR guy,
I'm going to shoot from the my hoosier hip (kidding, obviously I don't have a PR guy). 
You may need to sit down--I'm going to shoot myself in the boot when I say
the meanest statement yet that has been uttered about Donald Trump: 

Donald Trump will never be a good magician.
 

Here are the 7 reasons why:
 

  1. To be a good magician, one has to understand the value of secrets.  Secrets no longer carry the same charm when they are published. 

    For all Trump's noble traits and surprising achievements, he's too famous now to keep anything under wraps--even if he were the best at keeping private things private. 

    Anything you want to know about Donald you can find on Twitter.  The trademark of a 'disgusting magician' is the disregard for the magician's solemn code of secrecy. 
     

  2. If Donald, or any other Trump for that matter, ever attempted to get to the end of a magic trick--or even started to practice--he would start saying his name in the middle of it--many, many times--which would spoil the cadence of the act...bigly.

     
  3. Being a good magician demands focus.  Donald Trump had a real estate business, a reality  show, and a portfolio of huge, terrific businesses to run.  It would be difficult for him to separate his artistic pursuit of magic from this lust for industry.  And this lack of focus is yet another reason why he would never be good at magic.

     
  4. Trump Toilette Spray for Men, Trump steak, Trump Breathmints, and Trump Water!
    He would have all these in his briefcase as he walks onto the stage.  His act begins with a bald eagle landing on each shoulder, and ends with both of them vanishing in a puff of woofle-dust (it's technical).  It's like dove magic, but Trump uses eagles.  

    Prepare for the earthy scents of birds of prey mixed with luxuriant, figgy Trump aromas wafting through the auditorium.  The focus would be towards these add-ons at the expense of the show.  Total disaster.

     
  5. As a matter of principle, a good magician never blames his audience when the show sucks.  In fact, he always takes responsibility for the lighting, the sound, even the crying baby.  

    Granted, even if the lighting, sound, crying baby, or stage floor between the audience and the showman were the culprit, the good magician always takes the blame for performance issues, believe me.

     
  6. China.  In China, a magician is honored and celebrated for how closely he mimics his predecessors, and not for originality or unique entertainment ideas.  In Indianapolis and Chicago--indeed everywhere in the US--magicians aspire to stand out.  No matter how many times Trump says, "China," he is not in China.

     
  7. See diagram...
 
Magician Hands
 

 

If YOU were going to hire a magician, would you choose Donald Trump?

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